| Digital Rights Management |
[Jun. 18th, 2004|03:26 pm] |
Cory Doctorow
cory@eff.org
June 17, 2004
This talk was originally given to Microsoft's Research Group
and other interested parties from within the company at their
Redmond offices on June 17, 2004.
--
Greetings fellow pirates! Arrrrr!
I'm here today to talk to you about copyright, technology and
DRM, I work for the Electronic Frontier Foundation on copyright
stuff (mostly), and I live in London. I'm not a lawyer -- I'm a
kind of mouthpiece/activist type, though occasionally they shave
me and stuff me into my Bar Mitzvah suit and send me to a
standards body or the UN to stir up trouble. I spend about three
weeks a month on the road doing completely weird stuff like going
to Microsoft to talk about DRM.
I lead a double life: I'm also a science fiction writer. That
means I've got a dog in this fight, because I've been dreaming of
making my living from writing since I was 12 years old.
Admittedly, my IP-based biz isn't as big as yours, but I
guarantee you that it's every bit as important to me as yours is
to you.
Here's what I'm here to convince you of:
1. That DRM systems don't work
2. That DRM systems are bad for society
3. That DRM systems are bad for business
4. That DRM systems are bad for artists
5. That DRM is a bad business-move for MSFT( Read more... ) |
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| A Reply... |
[May. 10th, 2004|01:55 am] |
A good friend of mine proposed an argument about relationships here: http://www.livejournal.com/users/airmageddon/7315.html
The argument has interested me enough to write my own post on it, so I'll do so here :o)
One theory is that desirable appearance is linear, while desireable personality is two-dimensional.
I think that this in some senses might be an important part of the counter-argument to that which you propose. From personal experience, I can say that your appreciation for anothers' raw physical looks do fade. The "damn hot girl" transforms into your "girlfriend". It is unlikely that your appreciation for her beauty will increase from the level it is when you meet her -- there is a better chance it will decrease. Personality, on the other hand, could go either way. Ideally your appreciation for their personality increases, making them physically appealing in a different (some would argue better) sort of way.
Nearly every personality is desired by someone, but the same is not true of appearances. The appearance scale is a number between one and ten, while personality is more like a favorite color: they're all distinctly separate, but each type has fans.
I would agree for the most part. There are definitely a wide range of appearances that people find desirable. My roommate and I disagree with each other all the time about what girls are cute. However, there reaches a certain point in both directions where a girl is either really hot or really ugly.
Personality on the other hand is something that is not easily appraised. You can tell in a split second whether someone is attractive (and brain research shows you usually have indeed made your decision by then). Personality is multifaceted in such a sense that you will continue to discover more of it for a long time after you have met the person, and yours is likely to be affected as well. Your attraction to their personality, in a sense, is self-renewing and self-propagating. My girlfriend definitely didn't play computer games before she met me, but now she does and she enjoys them. This results in us having more activities we enjoy together. And as a result of her, I, um, appreciate sexy women's clothing more...
At least that's the argument I think society would make back. Pairing with someone because of their personality results in fewer dysfunctional relationships. It is certain that your partner will lose his or her good looks bestowed by youth, but their personality will only gain color as they age. Hopefully, a relationship founded in the arena of personality will last longer and be more fulfilling for both partners.
Something that is not to be ignored, though, is that a relationship must have both forms of appreciation: intellectual and aesthetic. Although it may happen in fairy tales, it is very difficult to fall in love with someone by whom you are repulsed.
Finally, one's appearance does convey information about someone's personality. Here's an excellent quotation responding to a different topic, but the points are still relevant:
Clothing is like language in that it has a communicative aspect, as do cars and computers. Mixed with the communicative aspect of clothing is the functional. While clothing tips this balance more in favor of functionalism than language, there is always a sacrifice to be made in eschewing communicative aspects of either for their functional aspects. That is, I can trot around the yard in my tighty-whities because it is hot outside, but I will certainly draw unwelcome attention. No matter how comfortable I find such a thing, it is simply frowned upon by conventions. There is no a priori reason why I can't trot around with next to nothing on--it is all social.
Same thing goes here. If she is wearing slack and loose fitting clothes, then someone might reasonably expect that she is doing so for comfort. But her tattoos and piercings belie any argument that she simply doesn't care what others think of her. She does, or else she wouldn't express herself with such things. And I am sure that she does care about the communicative aspects of clothing. If I was walking around her dorm or apartment with nothing but underwear on, she'd probably call the cops.
The author is replying to an article in which a female journalist argues that people should not be judged by the clothing we wear. I concur with the rebuttal that clothing does indeed convey things about you. More to the point: your appearance does convey something about your person.
If you are grossly overweight, then I would presume that something is flawed (yes, flawed) in your personality to allow yourself to get like that. I know some rare unlucky individuals have glandular problems, but sorry, it's not the 80% of Americans over 25 reported to be overweight. That's just fucking disgusting. To me, that appearance says you're irresponsible in your personal habits; don't give a shit about being healthy; etc. Definitely attributes I feel justified judging in potential partners.
I think a fundamental question underlying the argument that you present is what society views as "shallow" and "deep". We all have some sort of inate sense of what to apply these labels to, but I've not been able to come up with a clear definition of it at this moment. Definitely something to think about...
PS -- I've been told by adults that being overweight is just "something that happens" as we get older. Sorry, but that's bullshit. Sure, your metabolism slows down, but the equation (calories in - calories) out doesn't change. Maybe it's because stupid adults think that walking is exercise. It's not. Walking is not exercise. They certainly must believe it is, though; instead of doing all that exercise from the parking lot to the inside of McDonald's, they just use the drive-through...
Enough crap has come up in my life about fitness (and lack thereof in other people) that I think it's time for another ranting post on the topic. I'm going to see "Supersize Me" soon (for those who aren't aware, it's a movie/documentary about a man who eats nothing but McDonald's for 30 days) and I'm sure I will have more to say on the topic.
But I'm sorry: If you're fat, you're not taking care of yourself. It's that simple. |
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| Sigh |
[Apr. 26th, 2004|01:16 am] |
I haven't posted in a long time (this should be self-evident). But I feel strongly about this topic, and this is a good forum for my ideas. I have an argument I would like to present, and am perhaps hoping someone can argue the other side.
I am not considering homosexual relationships direectly in this article, because they're really not different. Also, I am using "love" in its classic meaning, between a man and a woman. "Love of one's brother" is "friendship" in this article.
1) The strongest bond possible between two individuals is that of mutual dedication for the rest of their lives. Often in our (Western) society this is marriage.
2) This sort of bond only happens between two individuals that have sexual attraction to each other. You never hear of two straight men choosing to dedicate their lives to each other -- if they did this, they would be considered homosexual (i.e., they are sexually attracted to each other). But let's assume we have two completely straight guys. They just like each other's personality so much, they want to spend their entire lives together. Why does this NEVER happen?
Because the prerequisite for the strongest bond possible is sexual attraction. Two straight men would never attain this, nor would they want to, because this sexual attraction does not exist. No matter how strongly I feel about my male friends, it would never reach the point where I'd ask them to dedicate their life to me.
So my question to the world is why this "love" is considered a beautiful thing. I am not saying love is shallow and pointless, but I am confused as to how it is looked on more highly as friendship.
There is some "essence" that distinguishes love from friendship... what is this essence?
Here is an example to illustrate my point:
Let's say you're a straight male. You know John, and John is the best friend in the world. He is amazingly nice, shares the same interests as you, and has the same opinion about things. In short, there is nothing anyone could do to be a better friend to you.
But, you're a straight male. What could change the situation... what could make you want to say "John, I want to spend the rest of my life with you". Why do straight males never do this?
They never do this because there is an essence in their relationships that distinguishes great friendship from "love", the want to spend forever together. What is this difference? Remember that John is the best friend in the world -- he could not be any better. This difference is lust. The only thing that could be different is John could be female.
Let's say you're a straight male. You know Jessica, and Jessica is the best friend in the world. She is amazingly nice, shares the same interests as you, and has the same opinion about things. In short, there is nothing anyone could do to be a better friend to you.
Well, obviously, you should date Jessica. Maybe you should marry Jessica. You should dedicate the rest of your life to Jessica.
What's the difference? You have sexual feelings for Jessica. All else being equal, the only thing that distinguishes "love" for Jessica from friendship with John is sexual attraction. Jessica and John are exactly equal in their personality -- the best they could be. But you only feel love for Jessica; you would only be willing to spend the rest of your life with Jessica.
It is for this reason that I claim love is tarnished. Love is alleged to be an amazing amount of feeling for one person, more than you care about anyone else. It's said you have to be in love to understand; in fact that is a rebuttal I have heard for this argument. But my response is simple... if love is really about personality, and mental attributes, there should be no difference between Jessica and John. That's not how things are.
It is assumed that man feels much more strongly towards his wife than he would towards his best friend -- no matter how good of a friend he is. Perhaps he's even a better "friend" than his wife is. Nevertheless, the one he is "in love with" is the one he sleeps with.
Love is tarnished. I do not claim it is not a powerful feeling, or makes you feel amazing, or makes the time you spend with someone else more important to you than anything else. That it may be. What I claim is that these feeling seem to be derived not from the "spirit" or the "heart", but rather from the desire to have sex. If they came from the heart, then all of the scenarios I presented above would be very different. |
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| The Semester Begins |
[Jan. 12th, 2004|09:59 am] |
... and so it begins: the second semester of my college career. There are so many decisions I need to make and things I need to be doing (such as washing the sheets on my bed) that I want to collapse (except my bed is unclean).
I am tempted again to try 17 credit-hours of class. Last semester I attempted 20. I was destroyed. I don't know whether it was due to the 8:00 AM wakeup on Tuesday/Thursday or just the sheer number, but I ended up falling apart by the end. My grades turned out decent, but I had mentally collapsed.
This semester my S&M self is tempting me to take 17. I say to myself, "Self, fuck you. You're taking 14 hours. Enjoy it." Well, it's slightly more than that due to what is Rice's equivalent of PE: LPAP. You have to take 2 of them before you graduate. I'm taking "Advanced Fitness Swimming". *Laugh*. I'll see how advanced it is...
Here's my current schedule:
<th>Mon/Wed/Fri:</th>
| 11:00 - 11:50 | Macroeconomics (ECON 212)
| | 1:00 - 1:50 | Intermediate Programming (COMP 212) |
<th>Tues/Thurs:</th>
| 10:50 - 12:05 | Mathematics of Computation (COMP 280)
| | 1:00 - 1:50 | Advanced Fitness Swimming (LPAP)
| | 2:30 - 3:50 | Applied Algorithms and Data Structures (COMP 314) |
My original plan was to have STAT 310 on Tues-Thurs during the LPAP time but I figured (as I said before), why kill myself? It makes more sense to me to take ECON 212 immediately after 211 so everything is fresh in my mind. It adds up to 14 hours total. I should be able to preserve my sanity. |
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| Oblivious |
[Dec. 26th, 2003|04:13 am] |
The progress meter ticks across my screen.
Thousands of miles away, a rumble begins deep within the Earth. Rocks shatter as massive slices break free of friction's grasp and begin to slide. Farther beneath, magma roils and pushes against its stone ceiling, which adamantly pushes back. The stone explodes and jolts as plates grind and smash against each other. Like impacted wisdom teeth, these molars fight viciously with the force and pressure of an entire planet, destroying themselves and each other in a quest for an inch of movement.
The meter ticks another block. Sound.far is being copied. I'm installing The Sims.
The rumble empties its energy out into the crust, sending shockwaves out to ripple the land like water. Southeastern Iran happens to be the lucky location today. Foundations are shaken, and buildings sway. Some of the less carefully constructed shake too much, and the vibrations from below rip their walls apart. Ceilings fall as terrified people flee to safer spaces -- or try. A mother screams in anguish outside the remainder of her house, looking for her infant beneath the rubble of her ruined home.
Sound.far is still being copied. I wonder what that file does. Probably an archive of some sort of all the sounds of the game.
Emergency personnel are summoned out of their sleep to fight fires, conduct rescues, dig, and help control crowds. Hospitals have collapsed and the wounded are left on gourneys in public buildings. The roads are closed to private vehicles; in the madness, ambulences, fire trucks, and police need the space to themselves. Fires spread and natural gas mains erupt. Water floods through ruined buildings. People are crying in the streets, asking, Why, God, what have I done to deserve this?
Nothing. At all. Has happened. It's been installing for nearly a goddamn hour, and I'm sick of waiting. In this world of blazing computers and instant communication, I am impatient.
Estimates of upwards 20,000 dead and wounded. People don't even know for sure because the earthquake has damaged communication systems. People are homeless; the injured unaided; mothers frantic; fathers solemn; rescuers unrelenting; nature unforgiving. A global catastrophe has happened.
Finally. Object.far. Maybe in a few minutes I'll be able to close Internet Explorer and play this game.
What has this world come to? Millions of people in America will be informed by this earthquake by 6:00 AM. Save the rare few who have relatives in this part of he world, how many of us really care? I, too, am amongst the apathetic.
We are apathetic about our president -- almost 50% of Americans think Saddam had something to do with the terrorist attacks of 9/11. Bush conducts a campaign of confusion.
We are apathetic about our government -- lobbying accounts for decisions made against the interests of The People. The Recording Industry Association of America (RIAA) and other profit-greedy conglomerates have managed to pass legislation increasing the length of copyrights (Mickey Mouse?), reducing personal privacy (P2P Subpoenas?), and generally do whatever they want(The Patriot Act?). And beyond all of that, Congress is moving now to pass even more restrictive legislation furthering the reach and power of these intellectual property mongrels. The Government no longer looks out for our own interests, but its own.
We are apathetic about our environment -- everyone would love to buy products that are nature-friendly, but no one wishes to pay the price of them. We prefer to shop at Wal-Mart, a corporation which forces its sellers to outsource labor overseas or be pushed out of business. We plant the seeds of our own destruction as our capitalistic appetite for consumption pushes the ecosystem to its limits.
We are apathetic about each other -- most of this planet will be sleeping soundly throughout the next week, caring little of the cataclysm that has happened. I am among them. The founding need of most human interaction on the planet is Power. Empires attain it, religions spiritualize it, companies buy it. The Catholic church set the date of Christmas to correspond to existing pagan holidays to improve their conversion rate. Where do you think mistletoe and Christmas trees came from? Not Christianity; druids. Except now we have Mary on top.
We are apathetic about the world and we are apathetic that we are apathetic. It's been this way for hundreds of years, but only now have our technologies and political and economic organizations gained enough way to wreak global havoc. We're destroying ourselves.
And you know what? Yes! It just finished installing!
Links to news stories covering this earthquake |
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| More about the Matrix... |
[Nov. 13th, 2003|10:29 pm] |
I've read some stuff online recently explaining the Matrix, or conjecturing explanations at least. Again, SPOILERS AHEAD.
Here is a great newsgroup post on the subject.
Taken from the newsgroup:In the game, "Enter the Matrix", we find out about this deal. To save Sati, her father sold the Oracle's shell(body) program to the Merovignian, allowing the Merovignian to destroy the Oracle, who we find out in Revolutions, managed to aquire another shell. Also, the Oracle agreed to this because she believed that Sati would have an important role in both the Matrix and the Real World.
Also of interest is that when the Merovignian requires the eyes of the orace (her intuitive program), she agrees to save Neo, thus giving up her eyes. The Oracle lost her "sight",(hinted at when she does not have the cookies baked in time, and she offers candy to Neo which he refused i.e. she couldn't see his reaction) thus when Smith thought he was seeing the future, he was not, the Oracle was manipulating him from within.
This seems as if it will continue, with Sati's role explained, in the new Matrix online game. And here is a good Slashdot post:
It's interesting how the Wachowski's constructed Reloaded and Revolutions. Love it or hate it, everything that happens is merely on a philosophical base, and everything plays second fiddle to that. Hence the plot holes and lack of character development.
Let me get you started with a partial explanation of the final battle between Smith and Neo. Themes of choices. You cannot see beyond the choices you do not understand, drilled into us by the Oracle throughout the series. Well, Smith takes over the Oracle and now has her 'sight'. He foresees the battle with Neo and his win. Only one Smith fights Neo because he foresees that only one Smith is needed to win. All he sees is up to the moment when he defeats Neo, because that is the choice that he has made--Smith chooses to destroy Neo. But he doesn't understand why he is killing Neo. So he cannot see past that choice and realize it will ultimately destroy him.
The Wachowski Bros. wanted to examine the idea of what is real, mind over matter, existence and all these things, so they created a story about The Matrix. They don't care that there are probably better sources of energy than humans, because this suits their device of examining this philosophical topic.
Why do the robot suits not have protection for the humans? Because they wanted it to be humans fighting the machines, human vs machine war, and if they were encased in many layers of protection it would just look like machines vs machines.
I could go on forever, but a lot of it is discussed in this thread [google.ca] if you are interested in more.
So sure, there are many, many plot holes and undeveloped characterizations. And I'm not trying to make excuses for the Bros. But I think it is worthwhile to understand that this wasn't lack of foresight by the writers, they just had (in their minds) more important things they wanted to talk about, than geek out on the silly little plot details. There is a lot more substance to the movies than people realize, it just may not hit home on the normal areas that most people care about in movies, character and plot. |
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| Google scares me |
[Nov. 10th, 2003|09:41 pm] |
It's going to happen. Google is going to become the first sentient nonhuman being.
I became convinced of this when I checked out the Google Labs page. On that page there is a variety of interesting projects, one of them Google Sets. The service allows you to enter a set of a few items with any sort of relationship, and Google will attempt to use information on the Web to find more items of the set.
I was completely amazed with the sort of results this program could generate. One query, with common responses to questions people might ask, even comes up with the answer "42" from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. (For those who don't know, in that book a planet-size supercomputer was asked to figure out the meaning of life. It responded with the answer 42).
Further sets amazed me even more. Google seems capable of almost-human associative abilities, but it has more 'knowledge' than any single human ever could have. This search software has access to an immense amount of information, which is asymptotically increasing to become approximately the sum of all human knowledge. At some point in the future, when all important knowledge is on the Web, Google will know everything.
This is sort of a scary thought for me. On modern hardware, which is not really that fast, Google finds these set associations instantaneously. Imagine the future where we have quantum computers which will be ridiculously faster than the ones we have now...
Well, let me digress. Quantum computers will be able to solve problems four times as complicated in only double the time. For example, if you want the machine to guess your number out of three digits, 000-999; it has to check 1,000 different numbers.
Now let's change the game so it has to guess between 0000 and 3,999. That's 4,000 numbers to check, so it should take the machine four times as long. But because of quantum properties, it can check numbers simultaneously, so checking that many more numbers onlly takes twice as long as checking 1,000!
You can make the problem four times as hard, yet it only takes twice as much more time to solve. All encryption and security we have today will be worthless when quantum computers are developed.
Anyway, back to my main point. Google will eventually be running on tremendously faster hardware than it has now, and will have access to even more information. How long before Google can process it with such sophistication that it appears sentient? Not too long, I think. How long before Google decides to improve itself... extend itself... ?
Scary thoughts. |
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| Matrix Revolutions |
[Nov. 9th, 2003|05:07 pm] |
Too many reviews have been floating around about how the Matrix Revolutions was a terrible movie. I have to completely disagree. It was a very complex movie that left you thinking, wondering to some degree what really happened. Some people don't like this and claim it ruined the movie; I, on the other hand, think it is responsible for its success.
In discussing the movie, I am going to have to give away some of the plot, so be forewarned: THIS IS A SPOILER!
There are so many subtle things in the movie that I never noticed the first time. They're easy to miss because the Matrix is very quick-paced. For example, in the final fight scene between Neo and Agent Smith. Agent Smith says, "And there's something I'm supposed to say... everything that has a beginning has an end, Neo." Agent Smith never calls Neo Neo, he calls him Mr. Anderson. That line is quite obviously the Oracle talking to him. Immediately afterwards, Neo submits. Lying on the ground after the carnage has ceased is the Oracle, lying in the same place as the Smith copy who fought Neo in the end.
After infecting Neo, Smith is destroyed -- by the machines, or by Neo, or the Oracle, or all three? No one really knows, which is something that gives the movie its magic.
Who exactly are the Oracle and the Architect? I have my personal opinion, which is that they are akin to the forces of yin and yang. The Architect is responsible for balancing the Matrix and keeping it static, while the Oracle solely represents the force of change. They look at the future in different ways: the Oracle in terms of choices, and the Architect in terms of equations and probability. This is pretty much explained in the movie, but I'm restating it here because it might not be apparent how much elegance their relationship has to the world of the Matrix.
There's a ton of religious symbolism of course, from Neo being a Christ figure, to Morpheus's name being that of a god who leads people to the underworld, to Chinese Han philosophy of balance and the yin-yang. There is no absolute meaning for what any of it is -- it's, fundamentally, just a movie -- but its presence enriches the plot and gives you ways to compare it to our world, in terms of our beliefs. When you realize they aren't actually trying to be philosophical, but rather just give depth to what would even be without it an amazing action movie, the religious symbolism is quite nice.
Perhaps people say it sucks because they were expecting some sort of meaning that applies to our lives. News flash, there isn't any. The Matrix is an action trilogy, not a philosophical treatise on the human condition. If you want that, go watch Citizen Kane or something. It is no surprise that people who had built themselves up for months expecting that have been let down.
The Matrix is simply a really good action movie. Some might say it sucks or other similar things -- but they're deluding themselves. Many people attempt to compare it to the original, which is not a very fair comparison. The original was groundbreaking for a number of reasons, including concept, special effects, and martial arts scenes. It's only by comparison to this first movie that the second two can be considered to be anything but beautiful. Either of the following movies on their own far surpass most of the other trash Hollywood rolls out each year. Together, they have the power to immerse you completely in a world full of culture and miracles. |
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| Stuck in a rut with no end in sight |
[Oct. 31st, 2003|06:11 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Unwritten Law - Seein' Red | ] |
For a while I've been feeling increasingly antisocial feelings bubbling up within me. They were the subject of the post before last, about drama and how people piss me off.
That's basically the situation. I'm growing closer and closer to the state where I can simply say, with accurate generality, "I hate people". It's not even something specific that I could put my finger on and explain -- just a general annoyance from so many little actions.
Part of it, I think, is uptight people. One of them just signed on as I wrote this -- funny. Uptight people that have all these ideas about what is proper and right... not just for themselves, but everyone else. Often they have enough respect not to show that face very often, but you still notice it. A friend of mine was saying last night... "She kept giving me these dirty looks because I was drinking. She disapproves of alcohol."
When will expand out of their belief-indoctrinated reality, their subsistence of cognition (even that is too respectful of a word for it), and make some decisions for themselves? Why do people not have the guts to critically re-evaluate something they have been taught since birth? I know very few people who have thought about and decided to reject religion during their adolescence.
I digress. I have no qualms about religion or those who follow it. My point is: Why can't people just be chill? Why make such a big deal out of everything?
However, a bit of enlightenment came my way in a conversation with an old friend of mine, with whom I had not spoken in a while.
Me: I hate people.
Friend: Why's that?
Me: I dunno. Lots of things people do irritate me.
Friend: What have you been doing all this time?
Me: College... partying and stuff. Taking CS classes that are boring and not worth my effort.
Friend: You're bored?
Me: Yeah, partially.
Friend: That's kind of how I felt before I left school, except it was just the daily routine that irritated me, not the people. It was like I suddenly realized that I was stuck in a rut with no end in sight... and there was no point in doing anything anymore. It's how I felt as a freshman in high school... something about being a freshman it seems.
Maybe that's the problem. I'm already sick of the college routine: the boring classes that I don't need to go to; the boring classes that I do; the same food; the same parties. It's a rut with no end in sight -- for four years. That's definitely an attitude that could negatively color my experiences.
At the moment, I have nothing to look forward to. One of my pleasures in life, programming my own projects, is something that I have to suspend because I simply haven't the time for them. Even if I never actually finish a program, I still get the satisfaction of working on something... a craft; my hobby.
I look at my life and I see nothing. Pointless crap I have to go through ("the system") and people who (most of the time) piss me off. It's bringing me to the point of apathy... people piss me off to where I'm eventually beginning just not to give a shit.
Those of you who touch my life positively -- I owe you the world. |
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| He didn't mean to hurt her |
[Oct. 27th, 2003|10:53 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  melancholy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dune - One Moment | ] |
But that's what happened. The inexorable universe in its infinite ways decided to throw them both a curve ball.
He sat there languishing. It had been the perfect summer. A mixture of unity and bliss, their frolics that season had been reminiscent of a pair of ice dancers, arcing and spinning around each other with ethereal ease.
The ice that sustained that dance of dualism had melted, sending them both headlong into the glacial maelstrom beneath. Previously this foe had seen distant and unthreatening; indeed, when they looked onto the shiny, frosty surface, all they saw together was a simulacrum of their perfect embrace.
Now a torrent surrounded them, ripping them from each other. No longer could they lie in the other’s embrace at the whim of the heart’s desire. No longer could they prance through their private garden of Eden for Beelzebub had come and forced them apart.
Splash. The bitter cold stung his entire body like a thousand angry insects. Above, with blurred vision, he could see the fissure in his previously flawless reality, and her falling through with him. He reached out to touch her hand but the currents dragged here away more quickly than his mightiest efforts could propel him.
At the brink of unconsciousness, the last thought in his head was the clarity of her blue eyes – not blue like the ghastly vortex that engulfed them, ... a vibrant, crystal blue like the heavens but even more intense and beautiful. Eyes that had, looking into, made him felt like he had found home so many times.
A tear crawled down her cheek. He knew what it meant. The physical avatar of all he meant to her. And all she meant to him.
He awoke to find himself shrouded in mists. Phantoms surrounded him, wailing and bemoaning their cursed state. He raised his hands and looked to see that he, too, was corporeal. One of the lost souls struggling to find meaning amongst that blanketing fog.
He held her hand and put his head on her shoulder. In his efforts to find himself he forgot that he had already found her.
Tendrils and wisps bit at him, biding their time for a chance to tear him apart. The outline of his figure began to fade.
He didn’t know who he was anymore.
He was lost in the labyrinth of his own mind, chasing specters and running from the flood that sought to devour him: life.
He didn’t mean to hurt her.
In his struggles to define himself he had forgotten all she meant to him. She had been more than perfect; another that could take his ugly side, understand it, and transmit it as more than beautiful.
He had forgotten in his quest to define himself how much of him she had shaped.
The fight for individuality nearly bested his wits. The empire in his mind was being ransacked by the Visigoths and he didn’t know what to do except subsist from day to day.
A sense of longing overcame him and he cried.
He didn’t mean to hurt her. |
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| Drama |
[Oct. 1st, 2003|03:03 am] |
| [ | mood |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | music |
| | SR-71 - What a Mess | ] |
Sometimes I wish I never left the antisocial bubble that I inhabited during my early high school years. When you don't interact with people much you are completely immune to all sorts of bad things that all-too-often happen between them. The sorts of things that others love to watch on television sitcoms: drama.
Drama is the worst fucking thing in the world. People deliberately choose to work up situations and induce more stress than is necessary. They could choose to get along, and pacify the situation, but most would rather increase its energy. It sickens me the sort of interest that others have in this sort of drama between individuals, the way they watch it on the televisions and are fascinated by it in real life. Our own lives aren't interesting enough for us to pay attention to them?
I wish I could give it all up. I'm tired of it. At this point in my life I would gladly give all of the social interaction up, and my desire for it, if it meant I could free myself from the pitfalls, the dregs, the abominations of human behavior. People often think that living as an idiot savant, or in fact just as an incredibly intelligent person. The reality of the situation is that when you are there, surrounded by a sphere of thought alone, that you don't care about anything else.
If people would quit choosing to make assumptions, read ambiguous cues, and make matters worse when they could be making them better, all social situations would run much more smoothly. So someone says something stupid in conversation... is it necessary to make fun of them for it? (I'm not talking about situations where they are your friend and will not be insulted). Why not overlook it? Why not make it easy for them?
Because we like drama.
I'm sick of it. |
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| Yo Ho, A Pirate's Life For Me |
[Aug. 2nd, 2003|08:50 pm] |
When I first arrived on the boat I thought I’d be pretty much stuck in jail, and for the most part that’s how it’s been. The cruise is designed almost entirely for old people, the kind that can barely see and move around. The models in the clothes shops are even dressed like old people, with the belts up to the middle of the stomach.
For the first 24 hours, I saw no one except this one group of about 5 people roughly my age. And when I say roughly, I mean about 5 years or so. After observing the passengers I thought I had a much higher chance of making friends among the staff, who all seem fairly young, than with the passengers.
The second day has been somewhat better though, as the number of people our age has seemed to increase. Still, the number of activities to do is quite limited: sit on the Jacuzzi, play cards, play paddle tennis, or watch movies in someone’s room. A cruise should be fun, not just the subsistence of company to prevent boredom.
Another thing I hate besides being on boats full of old people is stupidity. There’s sure a lot of it here. Internet access is $5 per day plus $20 per megabyte transferred – ridiculous in my opinion. Emails cost $2.25 sending or receiving. Unwilling to pay the excessive price, I knew I quickly had to find a way around the charges.
It turns out the cruise uses a system as follows to give people accounts: your account is your first and last name followed by your estate number. My estate is 5048, so my account name is justincrites8. In the beginning of the cruise, everyone’s password is “password”, and they are asked to change it as soon as they log on. The idea, I suppose, is that nobody knows others’ names and estate numbers.
But it just so happens that in the beginning of the cruise, there were these little cards left in clips next to everyone’s door, with their first name, last name, estate number, and dinner assignment (the latter being the reason for their presence). While the ship was leaving the dock, and everyone was up on deck waving, I went around collecting these little cards. I have about 30 of them, and could easily charge hundreds of dollars to others’ internet accounts.
As a bonus, I saw a package in the service elevator addressed to “Ambassador Something-Something, Estate #Whatever”. Memorized and written down…
Knowing that such charges could be considered fraud and probably a plethora of other crimes, I sought to escape the charges without redirecting them to others. On a chance thought, I decided to bring my little “NT Password Reset Disk” with me a on the cruise: it is a disk that contains a tiny version of Linux and a utility that allows you to change the system registry hive, which, among other things, contains account passwords.
All of the computers have local accounts called CUATSEA and Administrator, and it has been easy for me to reset the passwords of the former account, and log on free of charge. However, the incompetent technical staffer on board has realized that the computers I have modified no longer function properly, and as of this moment is attempting to log onto the computer next to me with the old password. He seems very confused.
Another thing that pisses me off is my parents who say wine and liquor taste good. Wine does not taste good; it is a poison, and the body knows this. The reason you can’t drink it the way you could, say, apple juice (in big gulps), is because your body will try to stop you. Wine tastes very complex, I agree, and perhaps that’s what makes old people call it “good”, but it definitely does not have any taste that resembles something the body would find useful.
The body things fatty and sugary things such as potato chips and candy “good” because they are actually useful to the body. Alcohol is poison. Animals have evolved such that things bad for them do not taste good. Anyone who says beverages that have a significant portion of alcohol (15% or more) taste good is a fucking idiot in my opinion. The only reason lesser proofs (2-5%) taste good is because the other substances overpower the alcohol. That’s just my two cents.
This is Justin signing off from the Crystal Harmony. Catch me next week on our next episode: “Senile old people pretend to have fun”.
PS – As of this moment the computer tech is messing with the domain controller – the computer that controls the roaming accounts, the ones that work on any computer. Surely he knows that the passwords of local accounts (stored only on an individual computer) have nothing to do with the domain controller… Sigh.
I should change the passwords on the domain controller and turn the network off. Wonder what he’d do then. |
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| Swimming is Gone |
[Jun. 28th, 2003|05:58 am] |
| [ | mood |
| | reminiscent | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Logh - Yellow Lights Mean Slow Down | ] |
Sometimes it's only after things are gone that you realize how important they were. For the past few years I've dedicated myself to swimming. Originally I joined the sport just to get in shape. I loved the feeling of the water -- still do, in fact, every time I'm in it.
The glow you get after a Saturday morning practice is the most amazing feeling in the world. You wake up to a blaring alarm at 6:40 AM. It's Saturday, and you're not necessarily rested from the night before. Regardless, you drudge yourself out of bed and get ready to leave. Sometimes the day is misty and foggy. The drive to the pool is long enough to make you realize you really do wish you had made the decision to stay in bed. After all, no one is making you go.
Somehow you end up at the pool regardless of your body's incessant tugging back towards dreamland. The pool deck is also filled with the same fog -- you can't even see across it. The air is so chilly that your skin immediately shrinks, but you know diving into the water isn't much better. Eventually you have to get in. Diving takes even more mental effort than the rise from slumber, such that you have to count down with a friend and go in together. The water hits your consciousness like a slap in the face. The water is freezing, and you must swim to warm up. Quickly, though, you get warm and comfortable.
Practice is hard, as all Saturday practices are. Saturday is the time that all the really dedicated swimmers go; there are no little kids jumping around, or people shirking the sets. Everyone is there and focused. Mentally and physically (although you might not be). Their dedication to the sport helps you, as they encourge you on, "Only one more in the set!". Impossible practices are only feasible due to the continuous mutual support of the team.
Eventually the practice finishes with a few hundred meters of warm-down. By this time a hunger has set in in your very being -- it's a certain kind of hunger that you don't feel normally... a kind of hunger only felt when you exercise in the morning. You're burning a huge amount of energy, but there's nothing in your stomach. It's a good kind of hunger, because you know that soon you'll go home and have a very filling meal. All of your body feels loose and limber from the swimming. In addition to the hunger is a warm, enveloping, good sensation. It feels sort of like one is sitting in a jacuzzi, and in fact many swimmers do after practice, but it persists long afterwards into the day.
You go home, have a meal, and perhaps go back to sleep. After waking up again, you're filled with energy and feel the most relaxed you ever feel. That's Saturday morning workout.
Swimming as a sport is a lot more than the individual feeling you get from enjoying practice (well, I enjoy it...). After the end of the 2003 CIF season, I realized that my competition days are over. Rice University does not have a swim team (fuck Title 9... but that's another post...), so my only opportunities to swim will be at clubs. Although I do continue planning to swim, it will never be the same.
Webb swim team of 2003 was undoubtedly the most successful and wonderful team that I will ever be a part of. We went every single swim meet in league undefeated -- meets were in fact a joke for us. Our core of dedicated swimmers smashed all competition that we had. The majority of us went all season without even losing a race. Numerous school records were broken -- again and again. We dominated the league prelims and finals, winning by over 100 points. At a school where teams winning league rarely happens, our victory being a breeze was even more significant. Webb had not won a swimming league championchip for over 10 years, and we just swept.
At the California Interscholastic Federation (CIF, effectively state competition for swimming) meet we faced schools many times our size, with teams many times our size. Our core team consisted of 7 guys. 7 people, against teams of 20 or more. We worked as hard as we could, and ended up in 2nd place to Murieta Valley, another school with a much larger and barely stronger team. This year was the first time ever for a prep school to take top 2 in CIF. Our team was amazing; our records are amazing (my records are amazing ;-) the individuals are amazing. Flat out, we were the best swim team Webb had ever had and probably will for a very long time.
But then suddenly it was all over. CIF was done, swimming was disbanded, and seniors left on their retreat. I didn't get a chance to get in the pool for almost a month. I contracted a case of mononucleosis and was out even longer. Eventually I did get back into the pool.
It wasn't the same. I got sort of a "What's the point?" sort of feeling. My club coach still has the same expectations for me, but I no longer have them of myself. I spent the entire past year, all three seasons, training for this single season. Now what am I training for?
The only reason I continue to swim is to stay in shape and because I love the feeling. Some people on the team don't understand it. "Just to stay in shape?" As if there is no inherent value to the activity in itself. Must everything in life be competition? I swim because I enjoy it.
But something is still missing. Maybe the feeling that used to be there: the feeling of being on a team, of working towards a victory, and having an unbelievable amount of success. I didn't realize it during the season, but now that I have hindsight, I realize how important that season was to me -- hopefully, to all of us. And now it's gone, into the past, forever. And I'll never compete again, because there is no point. My team will never have as much success; I personally will not within the context of the team.
I suppose what I'm trying to say is an enormous part of my life is now gone, and I'm sad that I didn't even see how much it meant to me until after its departure from my life. I have no regrets except that I wish I had recognized its importance sooner, perhaps to savor the experience more.
I guess that's how it works, though. Hindsight is always 20-20.
Enjoy the now... |
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| Not So Much a New Year's Resolution |
[Jun. 8th, 2003|06:00 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Counting Crows | ] |
Everyone once in a while I make a resolution in my life to change something about myself. It usually comes about when I decide there's something I dislike about myself or see a part of myself that needs to change enough to focus on it and really make a difference. In the past it has been things like becoming more social and getting in shape. I decided I didn't like my antisocial tendenceis or my unimpressive body and made an effort to effect a change in myself.
The graduation speaker for the girls' school touched on this somewhat -- but believe me I was thinking about it before that speech was delivered. That had to be one of the most horrible speeches I've ever heard -- but it did have a good point. In order to improve things around you, you have to improve yourself first.
For a while it's seemed like most of the people I know simply tolerate me, or appreciate one or two of my better qualities enough to disregard the bad ones. Indeed, I am usually very critical of other people. It's hard for me to accept others' faults or even understand why people think differently than I do. I'll be the first one to criticize, to deviate, to undermine authority, or to say what I think against someone or something else.
The way that those underlying qualities cause me to treat people usually ends up in failure in the interpersonal category, and nets me dislike from a lot of people. I know I push people's buttons, and as someone commented, that's at least good... some people go through life never understanding why people dislike them.
I suppose that's always how it's been with me. I'd push people to dislike me so that I could control how we interacted -- they might always dislike me, but I caused that to happen. In my struggle to define myself and take power over my life I've used the easiest method of defining my relationships with other people: hatred. It's a lot easier for me to discover something that makes me really dislike a person than really like a person.
It's a poor method; I realize this... so it's time for a resolution. I've always been in awe of the respect people such as Mina command of others, and have attempted to emulate that... but my niceness and generosity are of a different sort. Perhaps they're less genuine and more practical. Whatever the case, they're not the same thing, and other people feel this.
And it's time for a change... I fluctuated between resolving to hate the world because it hates me and trying to love the world. I decided on the latter.
So here we go. |
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| Rice Kicks Your Ass |
[Apr. 13th, 2003|08:23 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  ecstatic | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Matchbox Twenty - Downfall | ] |
This weekend at Rice truly has to be one of the best times I've ever had packed into such a short period. Every year Rice hosts a few hundred prospective students on-campus: Owl Weekend. The prospective students live in the college dorms for two nights, eat food, attend classes, and party with the real students.
The first thing I noticed when I arrived in the airport and went to the group of owls waiting to take the bus to Rice was that everybody looked incredibly normal. I was expecting guys with thick glasses and girls who paid no attention to how they dressed. Instead I met with a group of people about as diverse as any summer camp I’ve been to. I was surprised enough to meet an attractive girl with 17 piercings who plays rugby and snowboards -- but finding out she wants to major in electrical engineering nearly knocked me on my ass!
Arriving on the Rice campus I was impressed with its beauty – there are more trees than students on the campus with an undergraduate population of 2,700. The campus is mostly pedestrian, with large streets a long way off and out of view. Although not as quite expansive or pristine as Caltech and Stanford, the campus was just great.
My host complained that he had the smallest double in his residential college, but it ended up being about one and a half times as big as the room I stayed in at Stanford this summer! The dorms for the most part were very clean, without the crap piled around outside like you sometimes see on college campuses.
The Rice students are broken up between about 7 different colleges scattered around campus. The colleges each have common rooms, dining halls, recreation centers, etc. My particular college had a very new two-story commons with a something like five foot wide (no shit) high-definition television – very nice. Rice is the richest school in the entire country in terms of endowment per capita.
I happened to be stationed in the college with the second-ranked dining hall in the country (after Yale). The food was damn good; it was much better than what you’d find at Sizzler and other restaurants. During any particular meal there was a great deal of variety in the foods, with perhaps as many options as three Webb meals. In addition to being good it was also healthy, without the massive amounts of grease you find in a lot of institution food. Inside refrigerators there were various carton drinks and fruit for students in a hurry.
I must say that after dropping in on a few classes I was thoroughly impressed with the quality of the teaching. No graduate students teach classes save for those who are required to teach 1 class to complete their theses. The professors very obviously had complete mastery of their material, and could present it in a way that I understood quickly. One professor managed to hold my attention for a whole 50 minutes lecturing emphatically about a book I had never read! Another presented Hamlet so well it made me want to study Shakespeare, which is saying a lot about somebody who may become an engineer.
At a gathering of prospective engineering students I noticed again the complete balance of the population. The guys and girls both looked just – normal! The programs they have for engineering are exactly what I want: a bachelor’s of science for those planning to work as engineers, and a bachelor’s of art for those who want more flexible course requirements (e.g., those planning to go into law later).
Finally, the social life at Rice is great. People from various colleges mix and mingle together, and there appears to be few gaps between older and younger students, or even those of different majors. The alcohol policy is very lax – *any* private party (that is, in a room with the door shut) will not be bothered by the school. Additionally, the Rice student center has a pub downstairs to which anyone may be admitted. Under age students are marked with Xs on their hand, but for some reason the building was designed with an unmonitored back entrance... There are also plenty of activities for students to do, from a Jamfest to an improv comedy performance to a symphony, all of which were over the space of just two nights.
Overall, my experience at Rice was wonderful. I was expecting to meet a group of nerds who study every night, but instead met sophisticated, balanced, fun-loving, and sociable people. The thought that I will be going to school there in four months makes me simply ecstatic -- I wish I were there now.
I've been told that the above sounds like something out of an admissions packet... well, it's true. All of it. That should tell you just how kickass rice is =) |
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| A Portrait of Myself as Young Man |
[Apr. 7th, 2003|07:19 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Hoobastank - Running Away | ] |
For a very long time I was an almost completely antisocial person. The entirety of my life from about fifth grade on consisted of computers and the Internet. My interest in those stemmed from the fact that I was relatively incapable of getting along with other children my age. Although my memory of time that long ago is almost completely gone (I suspect much like that of a trauma victim), I seem to remember deliberately pissing off other people and getting enjoyment out of it.
Logic was a wonderful thing. It gave me security and fortitude against the world and the people who despised me. It wasn’t probabilistic, much like the relationships between people are, but completely deterministic. It made sense, like computers, like the Internet…
I’ll borrow from a piece of writing called The Conscience of a Hacker, written by The Mentor:
I made a discovery today. I found a computer. Wait a second, this is
cool. It does what I want it to. If it makes a mistake, it's because I
screwed it up. Not because it doesn't like me...
Or feels threatened by me...
Or thinks I'm a smart ass...
Or doesn't like teaching and shouldn't be here...
Damn kid. All he does is play games. They're all alike.
And then it happened... a door opened to a world... rushing through
the phone line like heroin through an addict's veins, an electronic pulse is
sent out, a refuge from the day-to-day incompetencies is sought... a board is
found.
"This is it... this is where I belong..."
I know everyone here... even if I've never met them, never talked to
them, may never hear from them again... I know you all...
Damn kid. Tying up the phone line again. They're all alike...
At a later age I realized I was unhappy with my situation. No longer could I spend all of my free time by myself and be content. My other nerd friends were even more social than I was. I decided then that I would change, would become social, and would become a normal person.
I worked for a long time to effectively change who I was. Or at least appeared to be. I suppose I had “success” as the people I met during my summer stay at Stanford seemed to have an entirely different (and better) conception of me than those at my high school.
The major difference I saw in myself resulted from the time spent in the gym. As others have pointed out, the thing they notice most different is my personality; getting in better shape, however, altered peoples’ initial perception of me and gave me confidence, and thus allowed me to become more social. I suppose a sort of cascade effect occurred.
Presently I see remnants of my past bubbling up onto the surface of my personality. I get pissed off or piss people off for no reason, and, looking back, seek out needless conflict.
A precocious younger friend of mine suggested to me that I was wasting my talents by not respecting my coaches and teachers, and that I might be better person if I changed that. It struck me because of the suggestion’s resemblance to ones made to the main character in “Good Will Hunting”.
Will Hunting is a mathematical genius who spends most of his time doing construction or janitorial work. He refuses to tap any of his talent because he is bitter about the world, unable to trust anyone, and finds refuge in simple things.
Exercise is so appealing to me for the same reasons. It’s good, simple work that clears my mind and removes any possibility of the intellectual or emotional parts of myself from running amok…
Although I am unfortunately not nearly as bright as Will, the suggestion by my friend made me discover a number of similarities between us. The most important one, I think, is that Will drives away anyone who attempts to get close to him. All of my actions in the past years of my life suddenly made sense when I put them into that context, with that comparison.
I was bad towards my peers as a child because doing so gave me control over my interactions with them. I might not have been able to direct them favorably, but I directed them nonetheless. It was impossible for anybody to turn me down because I chose to dislike them first.
What saddens me is that it’s true today. I find myself reacting hostilely, condescendingly, sensitively, or touchily for no reason at all, looking back at myself, whenever somebody has become or has tried to become close to me. I do it unconsciously because I’m afraid of getting close to someone else – getting hurt by them.
A friend spoke of me as having a sort of defiance and refusing to be a part of any group. That attribute exists in me for the same reason as the rest: I cannot be rejected from a group if I’ve never been a part of it. I won’t accept praise from anyone so that I can’t be hurt if they stop, or don’t appreciate me in the future…
Although often eager to talk about myself, I realize now that it’s no effort on my part to really let people in. I barely understand myself – how could anyone else possibly do so?
A guest speaker in English class one day attempted to explain the greater meaning behind A Portrait of the Artist as Young Man. The book, he said, presented the idea that life cannot be experienced from a vacuum. The job of the artist is to experience life and then to express it again such that others can understand it. Part of the it is being a womanizer, part of it is studying history, or doing drugs, or working as a janitor… along the same lines that I decided a long time ago; that I was not becoming more enlightened by experiencing life from the chair in which I now sit. I decided I should have as great a variety of experiences as I could.
All of my attempts to change myself have left me wondering who I really was. I was hoping that my unscrupulous behavior might cause a section of myself to chime in and say “no, you don’t want to do this”, but my conscience never made a sound. Who I am has been left largely up to my conscious mind, a mind that is fickle and controlled by the passing moment.
I’ve been dominating my mind so long by logic that it has turned into an empire. Perhaps the reason I object so much to those who throw around the world “love” is because I fear that I, myself, may never be unafraid enough to experience it. I fear that despite my progress a large part of me might always reside deep within the hideaway that I’ve made my mind. |
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| On with the war |
[Mar. 22nd, 2003|11:31 pm] |
I was reading the NY Times and found a nice snippet. It's pretty short:
"I cannot let your village stay because I will attack it with chemical weapons, then you and your family will die. I will kill them all with chemical weapons. Who is going to say anything? The international community?"
-- Ali Hassan Majid,
Hussein's cousin, heard on tape during a Baath party meeting talking to Hurd village leaders.
[source: New York Times, 3/22/03]
[additionally, this website]
[and this one]
So, um yeah, Hussein leadership needs to go.
If you think war against a government that would commit such atrocities against its own people with weapons of mass destruction is not necessary, then I don't know what the hell is going through your head.
People over there are starving daily and are happy to see the arrival of American soldiers. This is not a war against civilians; innocent people are not dying. This is a war of liberation for millions of oppressed Iraqi peopple.
No, I still think Bush is an idiot. But regardless...
On with the war. |
|
|
| War on Iraq |
[Mar. 21st, 2003|01:57 am] |
"Bush gives Hussein 48 hours to leave Iraq"
The sheer ridiculousness of this statement astounded me. It should be obvious to anyone that Hussein would never leave Iraq, so an ultimatum such as this is merely a way to declare war while leaving ourselves (the USA) open to say, "Well, he had a choice".
In reality that is not a choice any world leader would make, and the rest of the world knows that. Hussein is completely winning the public relations side of the war right now -- the majority of the world sympathizes with him.
It is my opinion that dangerous countries should not be allowed to have weapons of mass destruction. And Iraq is indeed a dangerous country -- it is the only Arab nation that has never arrested anybody for terrorism. I have no idea whether our intelligence actually indicates that Iraq has such weapons presently... but if that is the case, then I believe the war is legitimate.
Iraq has proved it is willing to use such weapons against civilians, and thus cannot be allowed to have them. That is my opinion: they must not have them, and if war is the final step necessary to secure this, then so be it.
"In order to have peace, we must prepare for war."
As sad as it is, I believe that is a true statement. It is the duty of strong world powers like the United States and United Nations to stop terrorist activity in the world. Any war conducted against civilians is in my opinion terrorism, and that is exactly what Hussein ordered Iraq to do using his weapons of mass destruction (mostly chemical) against groups such as the Hurds in his own country. The fact that we, the United States, initially assisted him in this and later simply permitted it is horrible, but that does not alter the situation now.
Even as I write this post, the Iraqi forces are launching missiles at civilian targets such as Kuwait. Additionally, they have set oil fields on fire, which has negligable tactile effects upon us but wastes their money and damages the environment.
"Media sucks"
All that being said, I think the way our media portrays war, and indeed our place in the global community, to be simply absurd.
When the Al Qaeda attacked the World Trade Center, our country was thoroughly shocked. The rest of the world was surprised that it happened of course, but not in the same way we were. They seemed to say, "well, what did you expect?"
We were shocked because our country's mentality is that we are outside world issues. We watch them on television... we watched Milosevic's forces terrorising people again; we saw videos of bombs dropping on buildings; we saw smiling American soldiers.
It was never made evident to us that we are part of all of this. That is, until, terrorism hit home.
Suddenly our nation had a wake-up call that we could not simply conduct ourselves how we choose elsewhere in the world and expect to be immune to others' intentions. After 9/11, we seemed to have gotten the picture somewhat.
Maybe we have. I don't know. But I do know that I have been seeing pictures of Baghdad, reporters following military groups, and more smiling American soldiers posed.
Earlier on television, some reporter on an aircraft carrier managed to arrange a pilot preparing for take-off to wave to the camera.
Does that seem a little weird or comical to anyone else? |
|
|
| Guys and Girls |
[Mar. 17th, 2003|03:55 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  cynical | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Dynamite Hack - Superfast | ] |
One of the guys... what does it mean to be just "one of the guys"? That designation was not clear to me for a long time. All of the guys were just guys, and we played games, sports, and hung out together. Some of us, myself included, might have been a little less social, choosing to get absorbed in video games or computers more than our friends. Others may have preferred sports or setting things on fire to games. Regardless, everybody found their group and a place to be one of the guys.
Girls existed back then, of course, but they were on the outskirts of boy existence. To most they were merely curiosities; to some, objects of primitive affection. Still, though, they were mostly outside boy society.
With the steady tick of time things began to change. Boys and girls began to spend time together in groups. This was fine because the boy group still had its own integrity, even if a few strays broke off to give attention to individual girls for a while. They were still dedicated, ultimately, to their close guy friends.
Finally, the last shift came. Many guys departed their groups to become attached to just one girl.
It is almost transpart because there is a sort of understanding in guy society. Even if it is not an important part of a group's activities, the pursuit of girls is present in all of them. Most guys want a girl, and thus understand when a guy departs his friends for one. This is the understanding: that girlfriends come first.
The fundamental problem with this is that guys are not often equipped to handle relationships the same way girls are. Girls grow up in socities where emotions run a lot higher than guys: there are backstabbings, intrigue, and all sorts of other nasty things.
(Background: Psychologists used to think that girls growing up were all nice and kind, but after a couple went in the field to check out middle-school and high school societies they found that girls are in fact much more vicious than guys, but in social rather than physical ways. I have read two good books on the subject, and would be glad to recommend them to anybody who thinks this is not the case ;-) Guys mostly just beat each other up.
I know this isn't the case everywhere, and that many people might have great, drama-free childhoods. You don't need to tell me. There is no way to talk about this sort of topic, however, without generalizing, and from the literature I have read this seems to go on pretty generally. I certainly noticed it when I was growing up.
Anyway, girls grow up in a different sort of social atmosphere than guys. They can rely more heavily on their friends and express themselves freely. Guys are restrained by the need to display their masculinity, otherwise they're branded "gay". There are upsides and downsides of this, one that goes both ways being that guys can rely upon themselves more. Guys don't cry on each others' shoulders, but we also don't need to.
Guy friendships tend to be pretty mellow and straightforward -- after all, most of us are not interested in pretending. Consider two girls who hate each other in a public place:
Benda: Oh hi, Julie, how are you!
Julie: I'm just great. And you?
Brenda: Super.
Julie: Well, isn't that nice.
Guys wouldn't pull that kind of thing. They'd walk past each other and not say a word.
Girls are not bad -- what I'm saying is that girls bring it into relationships with guys, and guys aren't prepared for it. Girls communicate with "signals", are trained to look at subtleties. There's nothing wrong with that, but guys are not trained to deal with it.
Consider again:
Girl: *cry*
Guy: What's wrong?
Girl: Oh, nothing. *cry*
Guy: You sure?
Girl: Yes. *sniffle*
Girls know how to deal with that just fine, because they've gone through it with their friends. Guys are more like this:
Guy: What's wrong?
Guy #2: I'm fucking pissed off.
*SMASH*
Guy: Yeah, you look pretty mad.
Guy #2: Fuck yes.
If a guy says he's not mad, it means he's either not mad or honestly doesn't want to talk about it. Guys usually respond that way -- we don't press.
Guys will readily leave their guy group to get with a single girl. When you have a girlfriend you can spend all of your time with her, and you usually don't care about spending time with other people.
The problem is that a relationship with a girl does not offer the kind of security that guy relationships do. Due to the differences in how we communicate, relationships between girls and guys are much more volatile and dramatic. By this time, however, the guy will likely removed himself from the group. With no security, the guy's emotions can be easily fucked with by a girl who is, for example, "confused". Guys don't respond well being put in these sorts of situations.
From a friend of mine, Nameless:
Hmmm, maybe that since guys don't handle subtiltitiess girls could simply be straight forward and keep their guy very happy just by being blunt.
That would make me happy at least... "I do care about you, why do you think I don't when the only thing I do is wave and walk away and I show you in no other way? How can you be confused?" - says one girl..
A simple 40 second phone call "Hi, how are you?" "Thats great, I was just thinking of you and I though I would call, ok, I'm gunna go shower, Later"
Amen.
Coincidentally, I have the perfect song to go along with this post... download it [ here ]. (you may need to right click on the file and select Save As)
Of course I'm biased on this issue. I'm not claiming guys are perfect. I'm presenting one side of the issue because I only have experience with one side of it -- I am, after all, a guy. |
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| Anger |
[Mar. 7th, 2003|01:05 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  calm | ] |
| [ | music |
| | Maroon 5 - Harder to Breathe | ] |
It's an interesting aspect of human behavior -- our own self-destructiveness. There's a lot of ways you can be self-destructive but one of the most powerful ones is anger.
Realistically, what does being angry get you? Let's consider an example case: say your confidence has been betrayed by a friend. You have few choices: confront them and break off the friendship, or simply let it slide and make a note not to confide in them in the future.
The easiest choice is always to blow up at the person -- it's what we're naturally inclined to do. I ask, again: what does it accomplish? Certainly bringing the issue up with that "friend" is not going to make anything better for you, as it is simply more conflict.
Sure, we feel angry or upset over things, but the violence or revenge we seek in reality can only damage us more. All it can do is make us feel better in the short run, for a few moments, while we blow steam. No matter how much somebody has wronged you, you do not benefit whatsoever by responding to it.
A whole plethora of things fit into this category: any negative actions or emotions directed at other individuals cannoy possible help you out in the future. All it does is make you feel better -- for a moment.
Interestingly, this sort of "ideal" behavior is presented by all major religions of the world. If somebody slapped Jesus's cheek, he would turn and allow them to hit the other. Buddhism as well teaches never to harbor or express negativity.
I think as individuals grow and mature they slowly begin to realize that this is the case. It is a very respectible sort of maturity to be able to look at situations in life -- while in them -- and still respond appropriately.
Just something to think about... |
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